Bedside Table

1. Stay in. There is no reason you have to go out every day to see something new.

2. Go out. Staying in never really helps, and the people watching is so limited.

3. Load up on reading, puzzles, and fresh (potable) water, stock the minibar, ask housekeeping for extra towels, water, and those cute little toiletries (stay away from the razor blades) and then keep everyone out.

4. Get extra pillows and washcloths, too. Place a couple washcloths in the fridge for a refreshing cool compress.

5. Plan the next leg of your itinerary, preferably to some beautiful resort with spas and beaches and world class dining – but be careful not to book it or it will be the last time you use your fingers to type ‘Travelocity.’

6. See what fun drugs you can get over the counter from the local pharmacy. You’d be surprised. Also, don’t mind the expiration date on any pills you brought along with you. That’s just a plot to get us to buy more, faster.

7. Don’t drive heavy machinery, especially coin operated laundry machines.

8. Find a cinema or watch some dumb television show. Being sick is the same all over the world, and so is television, the opiate of the people.

Fishtank in Chinatown: I feel like this

9. Sleep. Maybe it will all go away. See numbers 6 and 8 above.

10. Back up what you write, because when you are lying on your back, documents seem to disappear.

10.5: Download stuff. It requires no effort, but accomplishes something.

11. Thai massage? Only if you want to transfer the pain to some other part of your body.

12. Get a haircut, manicure, pedicure, or other ‘special service,’ with assurances that no before/after pictures will appear in public.

13. Tell all your friends you have a bad cold (probably pneumonia) and aren’t having any fun in Bali, (or Thailand, or South America, or wherever) and listen to the silence. It just doesn’t play in Peoria, nor in Minneapolis in winter.